The ABIGAIL SYNDROME - What not to do

Do you feel that if you could just "dump" your husband, everything would be okay?

Not - really... Being unequally yoked in marriage is difficult most days and near impossible other days. Is he the real reason you can't serve God how you'd like to? Suppose you could just go back in time and redo the whole marriage thing. I'm talking about after you became a Christian.  There are many of us that came to faith in Jesus Christ later on in our marriage. If we were honest, many of us would say "YES" to the redo, but that would be erroneous and sinful wouldn't it?

When I became a Christian at 33 yrs. old, I had already been married for seven years. As time went by I began to grow more and more unsettled. I was a new creature in Christ. I had new interests and desires. But God stopped my flawed thinking and convicted me of what I was plotting. I believe God told me I would get a new husband with the same man!

“For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife…For how do you know, 

O wife, whether you will save your husband?” (I Corinthians 7: 14, 16)

And now a little background history on Abigail and David:

After King David had commanded several successful military campaigns, he mercifully spared King Saul’s life in a cave in the region of En Gedi. David then journeyed into the wilderness of Paran following Samuel’s death and burial. Samuel had, under God’s direction, chosen and anointed David as the future King of Israel.

By this time David had already taken Saul’s daughter Michal as his wife; a gift from the King to David for a crushing defeat of the Philistines in exchange for his bride’s dowry, as vengeance on the King’s enemies. David and his men were in the wilderness when he heard that a man in Carmel named Nabel, whose sheep were being sheared, might have provisions for him and his young warriors (I Samuel 21-24).

Here is an excerpt from my book  MISSION POSSIBLE - Chapter 4 "The Abigail Syndrome".  Mission Possible is a book for women who are unequally-yoked in marriage. Using God's Word, it offers the reader hope and encouragement, while applying Biblical truths.

The traditional story of Abigail in I Samuel 25 is a familiar one. Abigail was married to Nabal, a man of means who treated her and everyone else like dirt. Though Nabal was descended from Caleb, he shared none of his virtues. When King David heard that her husband Nabal reviled his men, he was ready to kill him and his household. Abigail went out to meet David with humility and gifts. David highly praised Abigail’s courage and advice. Nabal soon died upon hearing what took place after his drunken binge. Abigail became David’s wife when he proposed after learning of Nabal’s fate. Abigail would now reside with the King in a “fairy tale” ending.

Not so fast… Don’t be “caught up” in the Abigail syndrome. I believe God has a New Testament application for those of us who stand in the gap for our unbelieving husbands. Let’s look at what this passage does not represent:

We don’t pray that our husbands will “drop dead” so we can marry a believer as that would not be in God’s perfect will for us. Neither do we hope he’ll die from a heart attack to “pay him back” for his evil ways. God has a better plan. I believe this would be the God honoring scenario for the wife who believes for her husband’s salvation.

Abigail was a woman of good understanding. (I Samuel 25:3). Godly wisdom and understanding promote knowing God’s will. Isaiah 11:2 is a picture of the Holy Spirit for us today: “The Spirit of the Lord shall rest upon [us], the Spirit of wisdom and understanding, the Spirit of counsel and might, the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord.” We must be in tune with what God would have us do with regards to our mate. Daily prayer and being in God’sWord helps us to know God’s will.

Interestingly, when David sent his men to ask favor and provision from Nabal, he was indifferent and inquired: “Who is David, and who is the son of Jesse?…Shall I then take my bread and my water and my meat … and give it to men when I do not know where they are from?” (I Samuel 25:10-11). Likewise, your husband, just as Nabal, doesn’t know the King yet.

Often times it is difficult to tithe, attend every church service, or be at every Bible study or function because your husband doesn’t see a need for you to participate or share you with God. Be patient. He must see your commitment and desire to be with God’s people and in God’s presence.

Nabal was a self-made man who was very prideful and greedy. Reading Jesus’ parable of the rich fool in Luke 12:16-20, we see similarities. Nabal was not thankful for anything, nor recognized God’s hand of provision at all. Your husband may be “rich and full of worldly things.” His equating “good things & provision” to GOD are foreign. Only GOD can change his heart and priorities as you pray for his spiritual enlightenment (Ephesians 1:18). Pray for God to woo him by His Spirit into a curiosity and awareness of the things of God.

Unlike King David who planned to wipe out Nabal’s lineage, God has compassion and mercy on our spouses. He is “not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance” (II Peter 3:9). God wills that your spouse join you in “holy union.” The apostle Paul states in I Corinthians 7:14, 16 “for the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife …for how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband?”

When Abigail heard what Nabal had done, she quickly prepared an offering for King David. Our offering brought to our King is a humble heart, a willing & submissive spirit, and unwavering obedience. We intercede on our husband’s behalf by meeting the King of Kings.

King David praised Abigail for her good sense and devotion: “Blessed be the Lord God of Israel, who sent you this day to meet me! And blessed is your advice and blessed are you , because you have kept me this day from coming to bloodshed… unless you had hastened and come to meet me, surely by morning light no males would have been left to Nabal” (I Samuel 25:32-34). David would have wiped out Nabal’s name but it was God’s desire to “promote a Godly lineage.” Abigail’s actions and attitude spared Nabal but Nabal didn’t recognize her sacrifice. Our sacrifice on our spouse’s behalf is unwavering faith and persistent prayers offered up to the Throne of Grace. GOD always takes notice of devotion!

Copyright © Deborah McCarragher and God Mission Possible, 2009-2018. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this Blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Deborah McCarragher and/or God Mission Possible with appropriate and specific direction to the original content. All guest content remains the property of the appropriate author - any reproduction is strictly prohibited without their prior written approval.

How would God have you treat your spouse? What would He have you do to honor your vows before God - even though your husband isn't a Christian yet?  Share with me your experiences in marriage that might mirror that of Abigail's petition before the king.

Deborah is the author of a Christian non-fiction book titled “Mission Possible”. It is written for women who love the Lord Jesus, but their spouse doesn’t share their passion.  It will encourage and challenge the reader to embrace God’s promises for their spouse and future together. Visit  http://www.spirituallyunevenmarriage.com

If you have been encouraged by this post - please take time to share it with others.

The ABIGAIL SYNDROME - What not to do

It's So Tempting...

Oh, how we love to bash Eve for succumbing to temptation – but don’t we all struggle with that one? 

Satan does not tempt us in generalities. He is far too clever for that. He likes to pick out something specific to hone in on. Take discontentment, for example. He will tell you that you deserve so much more, or maybe something better, and of course, that one particular thing you don’t have. He just aimed his poison dart at your “pride” and you fell for it.

The enemy of our soul delights in focusing his deception on our desires or needs that haven’t been met.

He picks the time and place of our temptation and sends us an “engraved invitation”, hoping we’ll reply quickly. He knows when we’re tired, hungry, upset, depressed, lonely or sick we’ll be more venerable to his deceit. He patiently waits for us to let down our guard. God’s Word tells us to “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.” (Proverbs 4:23)

Satan loves to create doubt regarding God’s love for us. He did the same with Eve. This is what he told her, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?”  (Genesis 3:1)  He simply twisted the truth and got her to question God’s goodness and character. We must be careful to not fall for the same trick. God may have given you a personal promise or verse to cling to. You may be waiting for God to do something special in your family, or marriage, or with your children. Don’t let the father of lies trick you into believing his falsehood. He wants to destroy your trust in God and your confidence in Who He is.

We know from I John 2:16, “that all that is in the world – the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life – is not of the Father, but is of the world.”  Satan is the ruler of this age and our present world, and has been influencing the practice of sin since the beginning, starting with Eve. We must watch for signs of discontent and jealousy as we evaluate our circumstances. We must focus on God’s sovereignty and His wisdom. We cannot lean to our own understanding in matters pertaining to “the fairness of life”. We must believe God and His Word, and leave the results in His hands.

You may come to a point in your marriage when you were sure you heard from God about something, and then you didn’t see any evidence of God working it out.

You can be tempted to take matters into your own hands, at your own peril of course. We must surrender our desires and plans to be denied, changed, or granted as God sees fit. If through a broken heart He can bring His purposes to pass, then thank Him for breaking your heart.

I was tempted to contemplate divorce not long after my conversion to Christ, but God plainly spoke to my spirit, that for me, divorce was not an option. I Corinthians 7:14, 16 says, “For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy… For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?”

Temptation is around every turn, and in every decision. You must stay strong and focused on Jesus.

                              Here is one of my favorite posts regarding your spiritual readiness: 

                                                      Spiritual Armor - Dressed for Battle

Another one of my past posts regarding temptation:  

In The Eye of the Beholder

Use His Word to diffuse temptation.  Jesus said, “It is written.” So be it!

Deborah is the author of a Christian non-fiction book titled “Mission Possible”. It is written for women who love the Lord Jesus, but their spouse doesn’t share their passion.  It will encourage and challenge the reader to embrace God’s promises for their spouse and future together. 

Visit  http://www.spirituallyunevenmarriage.com

If you have been encouraged by this post - please take time to share it with others.

It's So Tempting...

Is Your Testimony - Open Mouth and Insert Foot?

Yep - I had to bite my tongue... again.

Never return evil for evil or insult for insult... but on the contrary blessing - praying for their welfare, happiness and protection, and truly pitying and loving them. For know to this you have been called, that you may yourselves inherit a blessing (from God) - obtain a blessing as heirs, bringing welfare and happiness and protection. (I Peter 3:9 AMP)

I suppose I'm the only one that routinely visits this scenario. I'm having to once again swallow my pride, humble myself and return a kind word in exchange for a gruff remark.

"Did he get up on the wrong side of the bed again?" I ask myself.  Why do I feel that any little thing sets him off like a firecracker? Lord, I'm tired of getting my feelings hurt and my ego bruised again. Why must I always be the one to back down and extend grace?

Yes - I'm being melodramatic here for a reason.  First of all, when we continuously refer to ourselves and our feelings as we complain to the Lord, we are in effect answering in the rhetorical because we already know what the answer is.  We are Christians and we don't act like the world. We are to act like Christ.

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.  (Proverbs 15:1)

Here is a brief excerpt from my book  MISSION POSSIBLE   

Chapter 6   In The Meantime - Serve

I Peter 5:7 says, [in humility] "casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." Sometimes we have many concerns and burdens to cast upon Him. There are days we must ask God to forgive us for an attitude that is less than honorable. When my husband hurt me with a comment or action, I would find myself saying to God, "Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does."  

We cannot afford to hold a grudge and give place to the devil. We must be peacemakers.  Matthew 5:9 says, "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."  Love is the "bond of perfection" and you must "let the peace of God rule in your hearts..." (Colossians 3:14-15). We need to remind ourselves that "we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places" (Ephesians 6:12).  Your husband is not the enemy - Satan is!    © 2010-2015

I was listening to a sermon the other day via a pod cast by a well-known pastor. He was teaching on the subject of repentance with reference to the crowds that surrounded Peter as he was preaching during Pentacost. His boldness had dramatically increased after the Holy Spirit had empowered him and the other disciples. The Apostle Peter confronted them with the death of the promised Messiah and their own sin (Acts 2:36-41).

Paul writes to the Corinthians telling them that he rejoiced in the fact that their sorrow led them to a true repentance that in turn led to salvation (2 Corinthians 7:9-10).  I began to see with my spiritual eyes that godly sorrow in me would produce true repentance - not just "lip service" to the Lord.  My actions needed to align themselves with what I was "saying I would change." Christians have to repent too! 

I needed to turn from my former ways of coping with the difficulties in my marriage to a more Godly response that was born from a pure heart's motive.

Thankfully Jesus is a God of second chances. He knows our frailties. He sees our innermost struggles. If we ask Him for strength, perseverance, and wisdom He will oblige us in our request. Purpose to submit yourself to His plans and His ways. Remember, taking on His yoke is easier than trying to do it all by yourself (Matthew 11:29-30).

Speaking of submission - always view it from the perspective of submitting to Jesus. That will help you as your spouse's helpmeet to do what is required by the Lord to preserve harmony and a safety zone within your marriage.  Here is a link to one of my popular posts about submission:  Oh No - Not the S Word .

So tell me - what is your greatest stumbling block in your spiritually mismatched marriage?  Do you cry out to the Lord in frustration?  Have you seen a rise in spiritual tension in your home?

Stay on your knees... that just might be a sign of a pending breakthrough in the heavenlies...

Deborah is the author of a Christian non-fiction book titled “Mission Possible”. It is written for women who love the Lord Jesus, but their spouse doesn’t share their passion.  It will encourage and challenge the reader to embrace God’s promises for their spouse and future together. Visit  http://www.spirituallyunevenmarriage.com

If you have been encouraged by this post - please take time to share it with others.

Is Your Testimony - Open Mouth and Insert Foot?

You need to check your eye --- I think I see a speck...

"I bet he is enjoying the fact that I made a mistake!" I thought to myself. 

How often do I imagine the wrong response and correlating reason for it?

We all do it - married or not... We play Holy Spirit junior (as it were) in an attempt to filter someone else's actions through our own imperfect lens.

The following passage in Matthew 7:1-5 is a familiar one. Jesus Himself is calling out the hypocrites in the crowd. He is teaching on judging others. It is one of the most misunderstood and misinterpreted scripture references:
     
"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you.  And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck out of your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye?  Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother's eye."

There is only one Righteous Judge. When we judge another according to our own standards - we invite the same standard used against us.  Reaping and sowing is an eternal law.  How foolish of us to think that we can withstand judgment according to our own making!  There is a time for judgment with regards to a believer when they are in sin.  The bible devotes passages to church discipline and admonishment. Jesus' own words appear in Matthew 18:15-17.

We think we know why people do or say what  they do or say.  We play amateur clinical psychologist and do a quick analysis of their actions.  We filter their words through our own auditory prism instead of a grace filled ear.  We must be careful when we overextend our comments and thoughts - especially in our marriage.

Oftentimes we are guilty of actually judging their motives - not their actions.  That in and of itself is dangerous, and is outright unspiritual in nature. First, it speaks to a "trust" issue.  Not only do you question their trustworthiness, but you assign a wrong motive to their deed or words. God alone knows the heart motive and sees their intent.  We are better served by extending grace (undeserved favor) to the person and let God bring conviction when it is necessary regarding the circumstances.

In Oswald Chamber's The Utmost for His Highest, he writes the following,

"The average Christian is the most penetratingly critical individual... the Holy Ghost is the only One in  the true position to criticize, He alone is able to show what is wrong without hurting and wounding... There is no getting away from the penetration of Jesus. If I see the mote in your eye, it means I have a beam in my own. Every wrong thing that I see in you, God locates in me. Every time I judge, I condemn myself (see Romans 2:17-20)."

If I examine my spouse's motives, I risk projecting my own thought process onto their actions.  If I tend to be a bit more defensive when confronted - I might unfairly assign defensiveness to his words or body language. If I downplay their enthusiasm for a particular event, plan or purchase - I risk hurting their feelings and injuring the relationship.  I must stop criticizing the "why" before I know the "what".

Make certain that you refrain from lashing out when you are on the receiving end of criticism and anger. There is often another hidden reason for their outburst and sarcasm. We never really know what has transpired during their day or just before the incident that left you feeling wounded. It might be best to separate yourself for a brief period of time before you respond in a manner that is anything but Christ-like.

I often have to send up one of those "SOS" prayers to the Lord, asking for wisdom and for help with keeping my mouth shut when it is needed.  I don't need to irritate and agitate - I need to disarm and chill out! I need the Holy Spirit to take over and bring calm to a situation that is spiraling out of control.

Extending grace is not focusing on the faults of others - but rather covering them in love. 

Deborah is the author of a Christian non-fiction book titled “Mission Possible”. It is written for women who love the Lord Jesus, but their spouse doesn’t share their passion.  It will encourage and challenge the reader to embrace God’s promises for their spouse and future together. 

Visit  http://www.spirituallyunevenmarriage.com

If you have been encouraged by this post - please take time to share it with others.

You need to check your eye --- I think I see a speck...

Military Dad Far From Home - Do You Know One?

There are Absentee Dads and then there are Dads that are absent…

It’s Father’s Day!  My granddaughter and I carefully put together three special gifts for her Daddy:  a cute photo frame that says “Daddy’s Little One”, a small but manly photo album with all the pictures of their last visit during Memorial Day weekend, and a handmade card featuring lots of stickers, her hand print, and other hand drawn doodles.

Our son is a military Dad.  He’s currently serving in the US Marine Corps and is stationed in Norfolk,Virginia.  He was in Quantico, Va. when our granddaughter was born, and actually flew down just in time for her birth. Those were happier days when they were here before heading off to their first duty station in North Carolina.

He is now divorced.  That has made it much harder for him to be a hands-on Dad.  Our heart goes out to him and the countless others who are in the military and stationed far from home.  Some are married, and some are divorced.  Either way – they are separated from their families and loved ones.

We are fortunate that our granddaughter’s mother still lives near us.  We see our little princess about every other weekend.  We are among the lucky few who live near their grandchildren while their sons or daughters are serving in the US military.

Many grandparents don’t get to see their grandchildren often if their service member is deployed or living overseas.  

When my Dad was in the US Navy, we were stationed overseas twice:  once in Italy and once in Cuba.  We were the exception in that our Dad’s parents visited often in both places while we were growing up in a military household.

Our son lives twelve hours away – so frequent visits aren't possible.  However, after a lengthy deployment last year of nine months he was able to stay with us for a long Christmas visit.  He and our granddaughter went to Disney World and had a blast!  Making memories and just being together is what forms a life-long bond between Daddy and daughter.  She is just 3 ½ yrs. old right now, but she definitely knows and loves her Daddy!

They do "Facetime" and laugh while being silly on my smart phone.  We often text, and send photos of ordinary things when she is with us.  We want our son to feel connected and part of her daily activities.  We take every opportunity to make him special treasures and gifts throughout the year.  I want her to know that she and her Daddy are heart-to-heart close - even when they are separated.

Just because a Dad is absent doesn’t mean he has to be an absentee parent.  Far from it – they can be as involved in their life as is possible with the help of their family.  Granted, all parties need to make an effort to make that happen – and that is why my ex-daughter-in-law and I have a good and respectful relationship.

This Father’s Day we have already spoken to our son by phone.  I know he is missing his little girl, and I am hoping he has talked with her today.  He looks forward to the next visit and I know she can’t wait to spend quality time with him soon.

Son, we’re so proud of the Dad you are.  We ask God’s blessing upon you as you navigate the path He has put before you.  Your daughter is a gift from above and I know you cherish her and your future together.

For you grandparents out there with children serving in the US military – how do you cope with the separation?  Do you have a divorced child who is overseas away from their son or daughter?  What do you do to keep that line of communication and connection intact?

This Father’s Day let us focus on the most important parent / child relationship: God’s love for mankind…  “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through Him might be saved.” (John 3:16-17)

Our Heavenly Father desires to have a relationship with His creation.  He desires reconciliation between fathers and their children. The ultimate example is our being reconciled to Him through His Son Jesus. 

Malachi 4:6 is a wonderful picture of the pending reward of Christ’s second coming as he speaks of their relationship: “And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, Lest I come and strike the earth with a curse.”

Your Heavenly Father longs to love you, provide for, and protect you. He will never leave or forsake you. You can trust Him. He is the perfect parent now and for eternity.

Deborah is the author of a Christian non-fiction book titled “Mission Possible”. It is written for women who love the Lord Jesus, but their spouse doesn’t share their passion.  It will encourage and challenge the reader to embrace God’s promises for their spouse and future together. 

Visit  http://www.spirituallyunevenmarriage.com

If you have been encouraged by this post - please take time to share it with others.

Military Dad Far From Home - Do You Know One?

Can't We All Just Get Along?

“If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.” (Romans 12:18)

Don’t you just hate to be in the middle of a conflict? Or how about living in a home where there is strife and tension? I don’t know about you, but I desperately want to live in a tranquil environment.  I admit it – when all is said and done, I’m a peacemaker!

That being said, I realize I can’t always control my surroundings, but I surely have a pivotal role to play in how I relate to others when peace becomes elusive.  But what happens when peace is lacking in our family, personal and work relationships?  How is it possible to keep the peace then?

When we endeavor to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Ephesians 4:3), we have done so without offending God and wounding our conscience.  

We have a dire responsibility –a holy charge if you will – to be at peace with all men, but especially in the Lord’s house.  This charge conveys the urgency of nothing being left undone on our part, in order to preserve that peace.   If you want to focus your worship on God, you’ll have to make peace with your fellow man.  

In Matthew 5:23 Jesus says, “Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way.  First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”  He declared that when you are rightly related to God, you will do things differently from the world’s ways.  Jesus had just taught the famous sermon on the mount to the multitudes that surrounded Him on the hillside, including the beatitude; “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the sons of God.”

Why are the peacemakers blessed?  Because they are submitted to God – under His mighty hand – useful for the Kingdom. They have rightly rejected their right to their own way.  They have peaceably humbled themselves unto God (James 4).

Hebrews 12:14 instructs us to, “Pursue peace with all men, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord: looking diligently lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled…” 

Peace and holiness go hand in hand.  Proverbs 4:23 declares, “Keep your heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life.”   Psalm 24 says, only “he who has clean hands and a pure heart” can stand in the presence of God.

Preserving peace often entails a sacrifice on your part.  Sometimes it means “biting your tongue” and swallowing unpleasant words to keep from spewing them out.  We are told to impart grace to the hearers (Ephesians 4:29), and season our speech with salt, knowing how to answer those who are curious about our walk with the Lord, thus encouraging dialog in a peaceful manner.  Remember, we are still a “work in progress” and in the process of sanctification.

In the book of Romans, Paul addresses the believers in Rome concerning their Christian duty to God, to themselves, and to their fellow man.  After teaching on the believer’s position in Christ, he exhorts them to live a transformed life, thus bringing glory to God.  Beginning in Chapter 12, verse 1, Paul pleads with them to lay down their lives on the altar, as it were, for the sake of Christ.  By giving over their own bodies as sacrifices, they would relinquish any right to their own destiny or desires.  Their offering is purely voluntary, and thus, honoring to God.

The great bible commentator, Matthew Henry had this to say about the Romans passage: “Study the things that make for peace... peace without purity is the peace of the devil’s palace.”

Faith and patience will enable you to follow after peace and holiness.  Be sure to never discard a conviction, if God brings to mind something that He wants you to do to foster peace in a situation.  Don’t have an obstinate attitude – realize that you will be held accountable to God for dismissing a perfectly good solution to “making peace” with your brother.

Finally, here are four (4) brief things to keep in mind with regards to living in peace…

Don’t be judgmental

Pick your battles wisely

Look for common ground

Always defer to the Holy Spirit’s leading

Remember, others are depending on you to be a peacemaker… If you are God’s child, you have all you need to be successful within God’s sovereign plan.  Make it a point to do all you can to foster true peace, that your spouse would recognize your efforts and God would receive all the glory!

Deborah is the author of a Christian non-fiction book titled “Mission Possible”.  It is written for women who love the Lord Jesus, but their spouse doesn’t share their passion.  It will encourage and challenge the reader to embrace God’s promises for their spouse and future together.  Visit

http://www.spirituallyunevenmarriage.com

Can't We All Just Get Along?

Kill the Root Quickly - Bloom for God

As I headed out the door to church last Sunday, I sent up a quick prayer to the Lord in my thoughts, saying,  
"Jesus, help me to not have a root of bitterness towards my husband. Help me to let go of unmet expectations, disappointments, and awful feelings right now."

I know you might have struggled with the same thing.  We’re not unique.  There are many women living in a spiritually mismatched marriage that go to church - week in and week out alone.  We pull into the parking lot and sometimes just sit in the car – watching the other families heading into the building.  Other times we make our way into the sanctuary – scanning the crowd – looking for a place to settle in…alone.

You see – I have been attending church alone for quite some time now.  My husband has come on occasions like Christmas, Easter, and Mother’s Day.  He has attended some Sunday school socials with me and had brunch or dinner with the other couples in my class – but he isn’t really interested in church fellowship or the things of God.  I keep telling myself that one day it will all change.  He will actually verbalize a desire to go with me…  I won’t even have to ask him to come.

I’m well aware of the fact that we all have different life experiences with regards to church attendance and our childhoods.  My family was in the military.  We moved frequently and we did not attend church regularly.  I wasn’t interested in God until I was in my early 30’s with a small child of my own.  However, my husband grew up going to a religious school as a youngster, and attended church as part of his family’s tradition.  I personally don’t believe he ever really connected his heart with his actions.

When we married, neither of us entered a house of worship with any regularity or passion.  It wasn’t until a neighbor of mine invited me (with my young son) to attend church with her that I finally had my eyes “opened” to the True and Living God.  I was born again and a fire was lit within my heart for Jesus. That was 23 years ago.  Living in an unequally-yoked marriage for that length of time gives you greater perspective on what matters most in God’s eyes.

God’s Word tells us in Hebrews 12:14-15 to “Pursue peace with all men, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord:  looking diligently lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any roof of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled”.   Pursuing peace involves action on our part.  We must submit our emotions and reactions to Him and not manifest outward frustrations to our spouse.  King David’s wife Michal had a root of bitterness fed by jealousy (2 Samuel 20-22).  We must “…cast down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ…”  (II Corinthians 10:5).

After spending time in our flower beds this past week – I observed how some of the weeds had shallow roots and others were deeper.  When I pulled at them – trying to dislodge the weed - many times I simply broke off the plant, leaving roots just below the surface.  I merely removed what I saw – but underneath the soil the plant still existed.  It would burst up through the dirt again in time. I really hadn’t taken care of the problem.

Many times a root of bitterness can develop when we simply try to remove what we perceive is the surface problem.  However, deep below are the true causes of those weeds:  anger, resentment, jealousy, pride, and many more.  Roots need to be eradicated swiftly and completely in order for the weed to disappear for good.  It often requires digging it up with a sharp claw or tool that will loosen the dirt around the roots.  

God’s Word acts as our tool to dislodge the weeds that root in our soul.  He lovingly loosens our emotions and pulls out sin-filled thoughts by His Spirit, as He weeds our garden and prepares us for heavenly fruit bearing.  

When I am conflicted and overwhelmed with unkind thoughts towards my husband, I ask the Father to visit my flower bed and inspect it for weeds.  I don’t want a root of bitterness to ruin my Christian witness or affect my relationship at home. 

I hate pulling weeds and I imagine God probably doesn’t really enjoy doing it either…

 

Deborah is the author of a Christian non-fiction book titled “Mission Possible”.  It is written for women who love the Lord Jesus, but their spouse doesn’t share their passion.  It will encourage and challenge the reader to embrace God’s promises for their spouse and future together.  Visit

http://www.spirituallyunevenmarriage.com

Kill the Root Quickly - Bloom for God

Divorce - Has It Affected Your Family?

I have been walking through a desert of swirling sadness and dusty disappointment.  My soul has been parched and lifeless.  A blanket of heaviness hangs over me.  I’ve replayed hundreds of conversations, thoughts and pictures over and over in my mind. 

It’s okay to grieve.  I’ve given myself permission to “feel” the pain and sorrow.  I admit I’ve struggled with depression.  I’ve attended a funeral of sorts – another marriage has gone by the wayside.  Another couple has called it “quits”.  Another marital commitment has been laid aside, and vows once proudly proclaimed have been quietly dismissed.

I don’t mean to be so melodramatic – but I have to verbalize what I’ve been feeling these past few months.  It’s a type of therapy for me.  Everyone deals with pain in a different way.

There are too many of us...  We are the parents of adult children who have decided to divorce.  A new generation has broken all records with their half-hearted visits to marriage counseling and a quick trip to the divorce attorney.

 

Here are some startling statistics from http://divorcerate2011.com/divorce-statistics

• Almost 49 percent of the marriages end up in divorces
• First marriages end up in divorces in an average duration of just less than 8 years
• 60 percent of all divorces are related to individuals aged 25 to 39
• There were more than 21 million divorces in the year 2000. In the same year, 58 million couples were married and still lived separated
• The average male age for a second divorce was 40.4 years and the average female age was 37.3 years in 1990
• The divorce rate of first time marriages is almost 10 percent lesser than the divorce rate for second marriages
• Over a 40 year period, 67 percent of first marriages terminate in a divorce and 50 percent of these divorces take place within the first 7 years
• Every year more than 1 million children are affected by divorce  

Our son and former daughter-in-law are now a statistic. 
They have a daughter who is a toddler, and they are now living in different states.  Theirs is an all too familiar story regarding marital strife and miscommunication.  It always takes two to unravel a marriage.  There is plenty of blame to “go around”. 

I wrote a blog post last year titled:  Grass is greener or just an illusion?

 

It addresses the problems of discontentment and disillusionment in your marriage.  Many young couples simply have unrealistic expectations when they enter holy matrimony.

I am, however, writing this post as an encouragement!  
Someone else out there in the World Wide Web will read this post and cling to hope regarding their family situation.  My message to you is:  Hold onto your hope (Psalm 27:13-14) and watch what God can do in the midst of an impossible dilemma.  God is a God of Restoration, Regeneration, and Renewal.  Anything is possible with God…

I have chosen to not be judgmental and overreacting when it comes to the “how” of their divorce.  I have not taken “sides” and been vindictive.  I love both my son and his wife.  They are the parents of our first grandchild.  They are both emotionally and psychologically damaged by the trauma of their divorce.  No one is a winner… they are both on the losing end of it all.

One thing I am determined to do is be a lighthouse and safe-house for both of them during this transition period.  
They both need to be ministered to.  They both need to understand that God still loves them and has a plan for them individually.  They both must discover who God is and submit to His Lordship.  They both need to mature and set aside their differences and work together for the benefit of their daughter.

God has specifically given me a mandate to minister to my daughter-in-law.  She is a wonderful mother and needs support as she steps into a new and unfamiliar role – namely – that of a single parent.  God has lain on my heart to be kind and helpful and understanding and patient. He would have me “sow seed” into her life, let others water, and watch as God brings the increase (I Corinthians 3:5-9).   

Please pray for me as I reach the edge of the wilderness and behold meadow ahead.  I desperately need rest.  I need spiritual refreshment and strengthening that only the Holy Spirit can give me.  Pray that I will continue to walk in wisdom and discernment, letting God lead my steps and direct my path (Psalm 37:23). 

I know you have a story to share or a burden to bear.  There is life after divorce for our adult children.  Please leave me a comment and encourage someone else today with your words of wisdom or your life experiences.  

Deborah is the author of a Christian non-fiction book titled “Mission Possible”.  It is written for women who love the Lord Jesus, but their spouse doesn’t share their passion.  It will encourage and challenge the reader to embrace God’s promises for their spouse and future together.  Visit

http://www.spirituallyunevenmarriage.com

Divorce - Has It Affected Your Family?

Anger Management God's Way

Why can't you act civil?  Don't talk to me that way! Didn't you hear what I said?  I'm not yelling... I'm making a point!

How often do conversations and remarks get out of hand at your house?  If you're in a spiritually uneven marriage things can escalate rapidly.  What happens when you just don't see eye to eye?  I don't necessarily expect you to answer me - but I do know one thing...we all lose our tempers and react instead of acting with self-control.

Anger is a menacing thing - it simmers and stews and boils over.  It produces toxic poisons that seep into a relationship unless you take measures to stop it. There are many Scriptures concerning anger. Here's a sampling of them:

It is better to be slow-tempered than famous; it is better to have self-control than to control an army. ~Solomon (Proverbs 16:32)

A man without self-control is as defenseless as a city with broken-down walls.  ~Solomon (Proverbs 25:28)

A rebel shouts in anger; a wise man holds his temper in and cools it.  ~Solomon (Proverbs 29:11)

Self-control means controlling the tongue! A quick retort can ruin everything.   ~Solomon (Proverbs 13:3)

A wise man controls his temper. He knows that anger causes mistakes.  ~Solomon (Proverbs 14:29)

A soft answer turns away wrath, but harsh words cause quarrels.  ~Solomon (Proverbs 15:1)

If you are angry, don't sin by nursing your grudge. Don't let the sun to down with you still angry - get over it quickly;  for when you are angry you give a mighty foothold to the devil.  ~Apostle Paul (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Stop being mean, bad-tempered and angry. Quarreling, harsh words, and dislike of others should have no place in your lives.  ~Apostle Paul (Ephesians 4:31)

(All Scripture quoted is from The Living Bible - TLB)

Whether you are in a Christian marriage or in an unequally-yoked marriage, if you are a child of the King, you possess a different set of anger management skills than a non-believer.  God has equipped you with Spiritual sensitivity and an important component of your fruit of the Spirit; namely self-control.  

The Apostle Paul lists self-control last in the fruit array - but certainly not least (Galatians 5:22-23).  This particular quality enables the believer to mentally "pause in the heavenlies" before acting out in the flesh.  Christ in us provides us with a check in our Spirit man and the power to overcome our flesh in a time of weakness. Simon Peter writes in his epistle about our growth in the Lord, citing self-control as one of the keys to being fruitful in your walk in and in the knowledge of Jesus Christ (II Peter 1:5-8).

 So - what do you intend to do with your your anger?  How about no retaliation?  How about bury it in the sea of forgetfulness?  How about trading it in for constraint? 


Below is an excerpt from Mission Possible - Chapter 4 ~ Painful Reality

 "Many times, in discouragement I would say, "God, I can't do this anymore; I'm too tired."  Then I would hear God speak to my heart, "Yes, I know you are...just rest in Me and leave this at My altar.  My grace is sufficient for you...My strength is made perfect in your weakness" (II Corinthians 12:9).  He would say "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden [weary], and I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28). Verse 29 specifically says "rest for your souls." 

When you are weary from the battle and tired of the struggles in your marriage, what Bible verse brings you guidance and comfort?

Deborah is the author of a Christian non-fiction book titled “Mission Possible”.  It is written for women who love the Lord Jesus, but their spouse doesn’t share their passion.  It will encourage and challenge the reader to embrace God’s promises for their spouse and future together.  Visit http://www.spirituallyunevenmarriage.com

Anger Management God's Way