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Daughter of the King - born from above in 1989.

Deborah grew up in a military family and moved to Florida in the early 1970's.  She began her journey of creative writing soon after coming to know Jesus as her personal Savior. Her primary goal is to share her personal testimony with others while bringing hope and practical help through her writing.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Divorce - Has It Affected Your Family?

I have been walking through a desert of swirling sadness and dusty disappointment.  My soul has been parched and lifeless.  A blanket of heaviness hangs over me.  I’ve replayed hundreds of conversations, thoughts and pictures over and over in my mind. 

It’s okay to grieve.  I’ve given myself permission to “feel” the pain and sorrow.  I admit I’ve struggled with depression.  I’ve attended a funeral of sorts – another marriage has gone by the wayside.  Another couple has called it “quits”.  Another marital commitment has been laid aside, and vows once proudly proclaimed have been quietly dismissed.

I don’t mean to be so melodramatic – but I have to verbalize what I’ve been feeling these past few months.  It’s a type of therapy for me.  Everyone deals with pain in a different way.

There are too many of us...  We are the parents of adult children who have decided to divorce.  A new generation has broken all records with their half-hearted visits to marriage counseling and a quick trip to the divorce attorney.



 
Here are some startling statistics from http://divorcerate2011.com/divorce-statistics

  • Almost 49 percent of the marriages end up in divorces
  • First marriages end up in divorces in an average duration of just less than 8 years
  • 60 percent of all divorces are related to individuals aged 25 to 39
  • There were more than 21 million divorces in the year 2000. In the same year, 58 million couples were married and still lived separated
  • The average male age for a second divorce was 40.4 years and the average female age was 37.3 years in 1990
  • The divorce rate of first time marriages is almost 10 percent lesser than the divorce rate for second marriages
  • Over a 40 year period, 67 percent of first marriages terminate in a divorce and 50 percent of these divorces take place within the first 7 years
  • Every year more than 1 million children are affected by divorce  

Our son and former daughter-in-law are now a statistic. 
They have a daughter who is a toddler, and they are now living in different states.  Theirs is an all too familiar story regarding marital strife and miscommunication.  It always takes two to unravel a marriage.  There is plenty of blame to “go around”. 

I wrote a blog post last year titled:  Grass is greener or just an illusion?
 
It addresses the problems of discontentment and disillusionment in your marriage.  Many young couples simply have unrealistic expectations when they enter holy matrimony.

I am, however, writing this post as an encouragement!  
Someone else out there in the World Wide Web will read this post and cling to hope regarding their family situation.  My message to you is:  Hold onto your hope (Psalm 27:13-14) and watch what God can do in the midst of an impossible dilemma.  God is a God of Restoration, Regeneration, and Renewal.  Anything is possible with God…

I have chosen to not be judgmental and overreacting when it comes to the “how” of their divorce.  I have not taken “sides” and been vindictive.  I love both my son and his wife.  They are the parents of our first grandchild.  They are both emotionally and psychologically damaged by the trauma of their divorce.  No one is a winner… they are both on the losing end of it all.

One thing I am determined to do is be a lighthouse and safe-house for both of them during this transition period.  
They both need to be ministered to.  They both need to understand that God still loves them and has a plan for them individually.  They both must discover who God is and submit to His Lordship.  They both need to mature and set aside their differences and work together for the benefit of their daughter.

God has specifically given me a mandate to minister to my daughter-in-law.  She is a wonderful mother and needs support as she steps into a new and unfamiliar role – namely – that of a single parent.  God has lain on my heart to be kind and helpful and understanding and patient. He would have me “sow seed” into her life, let others water, and watch as God brings the increase (I Corinthians 3:5-9).   

Please pray for me as I reach the edge of the wilderness and behold meadow ahead.  I desperately need rest.  I need spiritual refreshment and strengthening that only the Holy Spirit can give me.  Pray that I will continue to walk in wisdom and discernment, letting God lead my steps and direct my path (Psalm 37:23). 

I know you have a story to share or a burden to bear.  There is life after divorce for our adult children.  Please leave me a comment and encourage someone else today with your words of wisdom or your life experiences.  







Deborah is the author of a Christian non-fiction book titled “Mission Possible”.  It is written for women who love the Lord Jesus, but their spouse doesn’t share their passion.  It will encourage and challenge the reader to embrace God’s promises for their spouse and future together.  Visit
http://www.spirituallyunevenmarriage.com

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16 comments:

  1. Deborah, I am so sorry to hear this. I know it must be heartbreaking for a Mother to have to go through with their adult children. I admire your commitment to minister to both your son and your daughter-in-law. I pray God will give you the wisdom to know how to minister to each of them.

    Martha Bush

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    1. Thank you so much for your support and encouragement Martha. I appreciate your prayers and uplifting comments! :)

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  2. This subject is so difficult for parents and other family members to deal with. First, I want to say that God does forgive those who divorce, if they ask Him to. Second, we have to remember that it takes both parties in a marriage to want it to work. Yes, it takes work to have a long-standing and happy marriage. It takes patience on the part of all who are touched by this dissolution.

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    1. Thanks so much for visiting my blog. Yes, God is merciful and forgives us when we cry out to Him for help. I was divorced at a young age and if I had not met Christ at age 30, I'd most likely be divorced again. I appreciate your perspective and great sharing here. Be blessed,

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  3. Bless you Deborah for sharing this very personal matter with us. I'll be praying for you and your family that God will prevail through this. I am so thankful for you because I've never seen a more Christ like response to divorce. I know that God is being glorified in your pain.

    Although I've never been a parent of persons pursuing divorce I share somewhat with what you are feeling. A couple that I had the privilege of leading in their nuptials has also started pursuing divorce. She moved out last weekend and I take it personal because every couple that I have joined together in the presence of God I like to beleive that I am also a part of their ongoing marriage, their success is my success and their failure is my failure. So I'm grieving with you my sister. It is good to know that God comforts those who mourn.

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    1. Thank you so much for stopping by Bernard. The past 6 mos. has been a roller-coaster for sure. I appreciate the prayers more than you'll know... I'm sure when you've invested yourself on a pastoral level - it must be equally difficult to see "what God has joined" become undone. I'm sure I am not alone when I say that somehow you still (as a parent) feel somewhat responsible for their marital failure. I know that isn't the right way to look at it - but it creeps in nonetheless. Bless you for your sweet words of love and ministry in your comments!

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    1. God bless you for sharing your thoughts here. Yes - the impact is always felt in the outer circles of the marriage relationship when a divorce occurs. My prayers are that they may reunite sometime in the future.

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  5. Dear Deborah, I want to affirm you for sharing so honestly and asking for prayer. I've been praying for your son and daughter-in-law every week. I will pray for you too now, my friend. My heart still aches that you're all going through this but I'm trusting God to bring good from it just as I know you are and are most likely seeing in your connection to you DIL. God is good! Hugs!

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    1. Dineen - Thanks so much for your support and prayers. I'm letting go more and more each day to my hurt. I know God is in control and will work it all out for good. I actually got a call today from my DIL and she asked me to go with her and Sydney to a local museum this week before she starts work. I'm always happy to spend time with both of them and use every opportunity to "sow seed" in love... :)

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  6. Thank you for sharing. We are nearing the same story. I'm praying continuously for my son & daughter-in-law. He is running lost & confused; she is reaching out for God's help. My heart is heavy but I know God is Faithful and True. God bless.

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    1. Thanks for visiting Merrie. Unfortunately this topic is rearing it's ugly head more and more among my friends and family. The best thing we can do is be supportive and pray for them. God is indeed Faithful, True and Merciful. May He touch their hearts and still their minds as He works a miracle in their lives...

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  7. This touched my heart, Deborah. I've been through a divorce. It fit right in with your statistics. First marriage, way too young (18). However, the relationship was abusive. After seven years of bruises scars, and an attempt on my life, I took my small boys and ran while he was asleep. Never looked back, but it was hard not being a family. Thankfully, I re-married later to a good man, who raised my sons as his own. This marriage was not a statistic. The two Psalms you quote are very special to me. They helped me through many dark periods, and I needed to be reminded today (for other reasons) of their promises. Thank you, Deborah.

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    1. Thanks for blessing me Cecilia with your kind words! My first marriage was at 18 and ended in divorce 4 yrs. later. I became a Mom after my remarriage 6 yrs. later. We've been married 30 yrs. now. What a blessing it was for your sons to have a great step Dad to love them and their Mom :)

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  8. Deborah,

    I have prayed for your son and your daughter-in-law and especially the little one. I will keep praying. I beleiv in restoration so don't count out anything. Love you. Lynn

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    1. Good to hear from yo Lynn. Thanks for the prayers and encouragement! Indeed - God knows all things and will work in situations we deem impossible! :)

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